50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Paul Simon famously sung that there’s 50 ways to leave your lover. He never listed all 50, so I’ve taken the liberty to list them for him.

  1. Face to face
  2. Phone call
  3. Text message
  4. Email
  5. Normal mail (a.k.a. the “Dear John” letter)
  6. Slide a letter under their student accommodation bedroom door on a Sunday morning then contradict yourself via text message (this happened once…)
  7. Via a friend
  8. Via an enemy
  9. Via a frenemy
  10. Through sky writing
  11. Through semaphone
  12. Through Smoke signals
  13. Via Telegram
  14. Via Sing-a-gram
  15. Via Stripper-gram
  16. Via Interpretive dance-a-gram
  17. Put a notice in a newspaper
  18. Put a full page advert in a newspaper
  19. Publish a four page featurette in a newspaper
  20. Create a D’agostini build your own breakup letter (60 issues, first issue 99p, other issues £8.99)
  21. Declared by a Town crier
  22. Declared by Jon Cryer
  23. Over coffee
  24. Over drinks
  25. Over a shark tank
  26. Written on a Sandwich board like funny signs outside of pubs that get posted to Reddit all the time
  27. Written in the foam on the top of a Strbucks coffee
  28. Written on the top of a Starbucks muffin
  29. Written on a Big Mac
  30. In a vlog
  31. In a blog
  32. In a Tweet
  33. Update your Facebook status and wait for them to notice
  34. Cut off all communication (a.k.a. “Ghosting”)
  35. Move to another city
  36. Fake your own death
  37. During an antenatal class
  38. During an ultrasound
  39. During labour
  40. Write them a song
  41. Write them a poem
  42. Write them a haiku
  43. Write a novel where the main theme is breakups and then ask them to write an essay on it
  44. In a cryptic letter
  45. In a letter written in elvish (if they can’t read it it’s further proof that you made the right decision)
  46. In a crossword puzzle
  47. In a word search
  48. In a sudoku
  49. In an anagram (Muddy Europe)
  50. Turn off the life support machine

They’re not all advisable to use but, if you’re struggling to find a way to leave you lover then ask them to pick a number between 1 and 50 and do whatever it happens to be.

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